Sunday, 19 September 2010
What neon sign is flashing on my forehead?
Just had a lovely saturday evening. I invited friends and family to my equinox harvest supper, loads of veggie stew, home made cheesy bread and carrot cake to celebrate. Sadly not everyone could make it this year so we were a little group but an entertaining evening was had by all I think.
One interesting event though, was during a discussion we had about events and situations from our past. Now Ive always known I was rather naive when it comes to the opposite sex and romantic occasions. Well, actually any sex when it comes to it! Ive got so many tales of being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the right guy, or maybe the right place, right time and wrong guy! However, Ive also had occasion to be at the wrong place, wrong time and definately wrong woman!
Now dont get me wrong, I am no homophobic, I have no trouble with same sex relationships, my eldest daughter has her butter spread on both sides of the bread, so to speak. But I personally am not that way enclined and have yet to find another woman I am attracted to physically or romantically. And as I am completely inept in recognising a man being attracted to me, I certainly wouldnt suspect a woman feeling any more than friendly affection.
Several years ago, I moved back to kent and the first thing I felt I needed to do was to find a local moot, meet some other local pagans and make a few friends. So I went to one in the medway towns. Nice group of people, one lady in particular was very friendly, introduced me to her husband and invited me to a party. I went and all was ok until she showed me her S and M room complete with handcuffs attached to chains on the wall. Hmmmm. Ok, its not my cup of tea, but Ive always believed in live and let live, and if it doesnt scare the horses......
But you see Im the most perplexed kind of person when it comes to being confronted with something as to what kind or response Im meant to give. Do I instantly decline what might be on offer? What if it isnt on offer? Do I laugh nervously and head for the hills? Sadly, my usual response is to seem affable and friendly and say nothing. It never happened, lets just move past this experience shall we?
Unfortunatly this sometimes gets me in deeper though. A couple of weeks later and she phoned me for a chat.
Opening conversation from the dominatrix ; 'Im really happily married and so lucky with my husband, he knows Im bisexual - I licked my first clit when I was 15' (far too much information for me, and not a picture I wanted in my head at this time). She continues while I am stumped as to what I should reply ' Yes, when I see a girl I like I tell him about it and he says, well why dont you invite her for dinner. We often end up in bed all together!' Hmmm. Time to change the conversation and get off the phone. So I mumble a few things I dont really remember about what im doing and how I cant make the moot next week (or ever again!!!) As we say our goodbyes she says - ' Its been lovely to talk today, you really must come over for dinner soon.....'
You would think I could see this kind of thing coming! But no! Just the other day, i met a really nice woman at a circle. We got on like a house on fire, similar family, similar life experiences. I felt I had known her for years. She has a family and an older partner. 'Why dont you come over for a meal and meet him - he's really keen to meet you as I dont normally make friends with women, although I am bisexual, I tend to like male company more'. Did I remember my previous experience. Had I learned from it? What do you think?!!
It was supposed to be a takeaway and a couple of hours just meeting her bloke. Well, I realised all was not quite as I supposed when she met me at the front door made up to the nines, a slinky dress poured over her curves and a flower pinned just above the clearly bra less breasts. Oh, had I misread this yet again? Well I was here now, I couldnt just go. So in I went with my bottle of grape juice (well i was driving) to make the best of things. We got a chinese delivered and had a nice evening of chatting. I began to relax and believe I had probably got the wrong end of the stick!
I like to think Im naive and open minded. My eldest daughter says Im just, well, a mug! Even when the situation is slapping me in the face like a wet fish (maybe not the best analogy in this case) I still want to think the best of a situation and not what may be glaring me in the face! Still, I think after the meal when we sat down and I became aware of the bare breast glaring at me in the face, it was probably a clue.
Had it slipped out by accident? She didnt seem bothered about putting it away. So I resorted to my normal response. Thinking to myself, I shant look at that! I continued to stare at her face rather than allow myself to look anywhere else, to chat away until I felt I could reasonably make my excuses and leave.
As a pagan I approach sex I hope in a healthy way - I like it, its natural and provided both (or several) parties agree to what takes place, there shouldnt be a problem. So why do I have a problem in just saying 'no thanks thats not for me' without feeling rude? Or even that they may be offended as no offer was actually in the making?
She hasnt contacted me since so I guess I probably didnt pass the test.
so Ive come to the conclusion that I am obviously giving off some kind of signal that indicates Im interested in something. What it is im not sure and how I stop it I certainly dont know. What I would like to know though, is where is the power source and how do I turn it off?